Health Talk with Jessica: Submissive under stress? It may be a trauma response

April is National Stress Awareness Month, and that means it’s time for some mental and emotional spring cleaning. Have you ever said “yes” when you wanted to say “no”? Do you go out of your way to cater to others, even if it means ignoring your own needs? If so, you might be experiencing the fawn response — a stress response where people submit to others they feel threatened by rather than responding with fight, flight or freeze.

Erica Ashby, a licensed clinical social worker and case manager at Cal Poly Humboldt’s Student Health Center, describes the fawn response as a hypoarousal state — a shutdown mode, in contrast to the adrenaline-charged hyperarousal of fight-or-flight. Additionally, the fawn response is sometimes referred to as “submit.”

“There is some difference of opinion on the ‘freeze’ state and whether it falls into hyper or hypo arousal or is more a combination,” Ashby said. “When we are in fight, flight or freeze, those responses use a lot of energy. They are associated with pain, terror and overstimulation.”

Eventually, the body is forced into rest because it’s exhausted. This leads to hypoarousal, which is where fawning or submitting comes in. 

“If someone is yelling at you, a fawn response might involve apologizing profusely and saying whatever you think will calm them down,” Ashby said. “You’re trying to avoid the conflict, even if it means suppressing your true feelings.”

Submission is a survival tactic seen in the animal kingdom. In primates, for example, a lower-ranking ape may submit to a dominant leader to maintain its place in the group, ensuring access to food, shelter and protection. The fight-or-flight response helps in life-threatening situations — like escaping a predator — the fawn response can be just as beneficial for survival.

But what happens when the “dominant ape” in your life is your boss or partner? Instead of asserting your needs, you might default to submission, avoiding conflict at all costs — even if it leads to burnout.

“People who tend to fawn often have an aversion to confrontation because it has never felt safe for them,” Ashby said.

According to Ashby, the fawn response often stems from childhood trauma. When caregivers are unpredictable — sometimes nurturing, other times neglectful — children may learn to become overly compliant to create a sense of security with their caregiver.

Marti Smith, an interdisciplinary studies student at Cal Poly Humboldt, understands the toll of the fawn response. Growing up, her father’s alcoholism and her parents’ separation made her feel responsible for keeping the peace.

“I just remember feeling like I had to please both my dad and my mom,” Smith said. “There were certain things I didn’t share with my mom because I wanted to make her life easier, and things I didn’t share with my dad because it would trigger him.”

“Even now, in my marriage, I see that I want any conflict to just go away,” Smith said. “Early in our relationship, I was terrified of having honest conversations. It was unhealthy, and it led to a point where my husband said, ‘I feel like I don’t even know you.’”

When a stranger touched her son’s hair at Disneyland, Smith forced a polite smile.

“I was still so nice, even though inside I was like, ‘Did you just touch my son’s hair?!’” Smith said. 

“At the time, I didn’t even know it was fawning. I used to think it was freezing, but now I realize it was fawning,” Smith said. “Trying to keep the situation polite even when I was internally upset.” 

For Smith, therapy helped her recognize and change her tendency to default to the fawn response.

“My therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t being deceitful or manipulative — this was a response I had learned to survive, and now I’m working on changing it,” Smith said.

Her relationship with her husband has improved as she’s learned to be more open. 

“I’m much more transparent now, and that’s been huge. Before, I wasn’t showing up authentically, and it took a long time to break through that,” Smith said.

“The first step is learning about trauma and its long-term effects. This can be empowering because it helps people understand why they react the way they do,” Ashby said.

“It’s important to shift our thinking from ‘I’m a bad person’ to ‘This behavior was helping me survive when I was young,’” Ashby said. “Recognizing these patterns can create a sense of self-compassion, which is crucial for healing.”

This Stress Awareness Month, ask yourself: Are you prioritizing your well-being, or just trying to keep others happy? Remember, self-care and boundaries aren’t selfish — they are necessary. If you need extra support, there’s a list of mental health resources on page 24. Be well!

*This article reflects the opinion of the author, not of the newspaper as a whole.

Disclosure: At the beginning of March, the author accepted a position as a health educator with Student Health Services, which organizationally falls under Student Health & Wellbeing Services. Counseling & Psychological Services is a different department.